Jeffrey Ford

Years ago I was working with an individual who happened to be in school. One day he showed up to class only to realize that he had to take a test that he wasn’t expecting. In seconds, he felt an immediate change. Physically, his heart rate increased and his stomach dropped. He felt the need for more spiritual connection and began to say a prayer for help. As he looked around the classroom, he began sexually objectifying the women in his class. That also triggered him relationally and he sent a text to his wife to tell her he had forgotten about the test.

He took the test, and failed it.

When he walked out of the classroom, he was in pain. Not physical pain, but emotional pain brought on by the surprise test that didn’t go well. The experience put him into a situation where he was at a stage of the addiction cycle where he was at risk of acting out.

Now, as he was zoning out and in his emotional pain, he got on his motorcycle and started driving home. He stopped at a gas station on the way and walked into the store to pay for his gas. In the store he noticed there was an immodestly dressed woman who he began to sexually objectify. It was at this moment, while he was standing by the Doritos, that he remembered the things we had been talking about in therapy and knew that he should reach out.

In an attempt to break his cycle, he pulled out his phone and called his wife. He explained that he was standing in a gas station next to the Doritos, staring at a woman that he was now sexually objectifying.

How do you think his wife reacted? As you probably guessed, getting a call from her husband out of the blue that he was staring at another woman who was making him feel sexually aroused was not a great experience. It created some trauma for her.

While this client was trying to do the right thing in reaching out, calling his wife in that moment was not the best approach. As part of your recovery, it’s important to identify a few people who you can reach out to outside of your spouse or significant other. That way you are able to reach out immediately without the risk of causing new trauma. Then, when you are out of the situation and back into a better environment, you can check in with your wife, share how you are doing, and do it in a safe way.

Have you had a slip in recovery? Did you miss some of your recovery work due to the holidays or other life events? Are you out of your normal routine? Good, that’s a part of the recovery process that everyone experiences. To ensure you continue to make progress, the key is to get things back on track.

Life is full of unstructured time or unexpected events. No matter how much we plan or prepare, there will always be things that come up and catch us off guard. We just can’t be 100% all of the time.

This means that throughout the recovery process, there will be times when things will flex to match the ups and downs that are part of your normal day-to-day life. There is a natural ebb and flow. Of course, this does not mean that we are going to be perfect at dealing with those unexpected changes. It’s something you will need to learn as your recovery matures. In the beginning, having strict routines are critical, and over time you’ll be able to learn how to navigate changes and then get back to your routine.

One of the best ways to do this is to have a sit down conversation. When you recognize that things are out of the normal routine, talk to your spouse about it. Plan how you want to get things back on track and set up a recovery schedule.

This is especially important if it has been some time since you were following your normal routine so that you can plan the steps that will help you get back on track. It’s just like exercise; you can’t sit around for three months and suddenly decide to start working out for two hours, six days a week. You will get burnt out and will want to give up.

Here are two important questions to address as you are planning your recovery schedule:

1. What are the areas (physical, spiritual, sexual, emotional, etc.) where you are feeling out of balance?
2. What’s barriers are keeping us from having a better connection?

Finding the answers to those questions as you talk about how you want to return to your recovery routines will help you to be more successful.

The beginning of the year is a great time to refresh and get your routines back on track. As you set goals for the New Year, think about what improvements you want to make with your recovery and with the relationships you have with your loved ones.

When I was growing up I had a paper route. This meant that every morning I would get on my bike and make my way through the neighborhood to all of my deliveries. After some practice, I got pretty good at slinging the paper up to the porch from the sidewalk while I was still sitting on my bike.

One summer morning, I threw a paper up to the house of an older widow who lived in the neighborhood. The paper crashed hard against her metal storm door and I heard the entire glass door break and crumble. I immediately wanted to ride away as quickly as I could because I felt so guilty. But I couldn’t. The loud sound had scared the woman inside and she was at the door as I made my way up to it. I apologized for what I had done and told her that I would pay for the damage. It took my whole paycheck, but I did it.

Apologizing and paying for the door is what is known as behavioral accountability. However, when you are trying to repair a relationship - in this case my role as the paperboy for this widow - you also need to be emotionally accountable. I had terrified her when I threw the paper against the door and caused it to break. I didn’t want to do anything else to cause her to feel that again.

So for the next two years I had that paper route, I would walk up to her door and place the paper on the porch. It took a lot longer than just throwing the paper up to the house from the sidewalk, but it ensured I wouldn’t cause this woman to be scared again because of something that I had done. To be emotionally accountable, I had to recognize that I had caused her trauma and do what I could to avoid doing it again in the future.

The same is true for couples in recovery. Men will often get to work on behavioral accountability very quickly. This includes going to counseling, meeting with religious leaders, or even going to a 12-step group. Those are good steps and are important, but healing the emotional trauma you’ve caused to your spouse will take more than that.

Think about a man who has had problems with pornography on a smartphone. One day, he is in the living room looking at the calendar on a phone. Their spouse walks in, sees him on his phone, and unconsciously starts to feel agitated or anxious. She might even say things that are a little short. He can become defensive and show her the phone saying, “I’m just looking at my calendar.” Unfortunately, this won’t help. The memories she has of him looking at his phone has triggered an emotional response.

So what do you do? You have to recognize it and talk about it. You could say something like, “I know that it’s my fault you are feeling this way. I’ve betrayed you with this phone in the past. I’m sorry. What can I do to help you right now.”

By addressing the emotions instead of downplaying them, you will show your spouse that you truly see her. If she doesn’t feel seen by you, you cannot protect that woman. On the other hand, if she can see that you get why she is hurt, then the anxiety will come down.

Keep in mind that this doesn’t mean things will change overnight. It takes time. You have to realize that because of trauma her brain is hijacked. She doesn’t like it. You don’t like it. Nobody likes it. But it can heal as you work on both behavioral and emotional accountability.

The holidays can be such a fun time of year as you celebrate, take time away from work and spend time with family. Of course, those same things that make the holidays so great can also pose a challenge for anyone in recovery. The time away from work can mean extra time for some to get back into old habits. The additional time with family may also mean lots of difficult conversations about your relationships.

So what do you do? One of the best things to start doing right now is to prepare and set limits.

Avoid the Disconnect

Relational pain is the number one catalyst to activate the addiction cycle. This means you need to pay extra attention to how you are feeling. When you start to get overwhelmed or stressed, find ways to connect rather than disconnecting.

One common disconnect I have seen is guys who turn to video games thanks to the extra time they have during the holidays. Unfortunately, in a lot of cases they’re are just using the games as a way to disconnect from stress or other emotions they are feeling. Of course, they’re also disconnecting from their wife. She feels that disconnect and it can bring back trauma when she does. If that happens, turn away from the screen and turn toward each other.

Have a Conversation

One great way to prepare for the holidays is to address it. Have a conversation. Put it in the light. For example, you might talk to your wife about the annual trip to grandma’s house for Thanksgiving dinner. Are there things that you are she is worried about? Are there people there you may not be comfortable around right now? Even if family members know you are going through recovery, there can still be stress about what they will think or questions they might ask you.

This conversation gives you and your spouse a chance to talk about how you can support each other. You can also decide what actions you’ll take if the stress becomes too much, or how to signal each other if you need some extra help.

This holidays will be here before we know it. Take a few minutes now to prepare and it will make a huge difference.

People enter therapy because they realize they are dealing with a difficult situation and recognize they need help to make things better. They want their marriage or relationship to become stronger and last. That’s why it can be a little surprising that in some cases, separation may be a useful tool. In fact, I’ve had several clients who have told me that separation was a game-changer for them in allowing recovery to take place.

How is this possible? Think about a star basketball player. They spend countless hours working with their teammates to improve their skills, to learn plays and work hard in every game to win. One day during a game, they jump up for a rebound and land awkwardly on their ankle causing a bad sprain. After hobbling to the side of the court, a team doctor will immediately wrap it up and start to ice it. It’s not because they don’t want this star player in the game, it’s because by separating them from the court for a time they can eventually get them back in the game again.

Separation in a relationship is similar. There are times when physical separation may be needed, or possibly an emotional or sexual separation. This time apart allows relationships to repair, for couples to increase accountability and for things to heal.

As you are working with a therapist and if you determine that some type of separation is needed, it is also important to identify high-support people who can help you through the process. A high-support person is someone who can be by your side and who will support you through the healing process. Rather than telling you to give up the game of basketball because of a sprained ankle, they’re the ones who help you wrap it, take you to the doctor, and are by your side doing exercises needed to get better. Finding these high-support people will help ensure you continue to make progress in your recovery and reaching your goals to strengthen your relationship.

Imagine a vending machine. Think about the clear glass on the front, and the buttons on the side that allow you to select your favorite treat or drink. What do you need to do to get it? We all know the process. You add a few coins or tap your phone on the pad, and punch in the correct number. In a few seconds, the candy bar or can will fall to the bottom and you can go on your way enjoying your treat.

Too often, addicts learn to treat their loved ones or those around them like vending machines. When they want something, they walk up, punch the right buttons, and then walk away once they receive what they want. The problem, of course, is that people aren’t vending machines. We don’t want other people showing up only when they want something from us. We also want more connection than the punch of a few buttons.

If this is happening in your relationship, the first thing to do is to set your boundaries. You don’t need to give in simply because someone showed up and pushed the right button. It can get messy. Just think about what happens when you try to get something out of a vending machine and it gets stuck. You might try to shake it or force it to do what you want. In a relationship, that can mean emotional abuse as a spouse becomes overly demanding or blames their partner for “making them act out.”

As a spouse who has been treated like a vending machine, it can be hard to change. Just remember to hold the line on your boundaries. You can do it. Don’t give up. Reach out to your support group, a counselor, or others you can trust when you need to. Keep going. Keep trying.

Recovery from sexual addiction is a complex process that begins with accepting the invitation to start a journey without knowing who we can reach to along the way. The first obstacle that seems almost insurmountable is facing the fear of disappointing people, especially our loved ones, when we tell them our story. We are absolutely convinced that if we tell our stories the weight of it will be so heavy that it will push people away. We fear that we will be totally defined by our addiction. The feelings we experience that disconnect us from others and ultimately keep us in hiding exemplify shame.

Managing shame is key to addiction recovery because it stops us from telling our story and experiencing real relationships. Sexual addiction is defined by replacing real relationships with false ones. Reaching to false relationships when we are in pain quickly becomes the dominant pattern in our lives, locking out the real people that stand by confused by the distance shame has established in the relationship. As we progress along the way of recovery, we learn how good it feels to reach out to others and tell our stories, and be real. In fact, it changes our lives.

Despite how good we feel when we tell our story, it can be hard to share about our personal struggles, especially when we make a mistake or have a slip. We forget how good it feels to turn to our real relationships. Even though shame tries to convince us we should not open up about our struggles, reaching out to real relationships is the answer and way back to recovery every time. Managing shame is important, and understanding a few things about it may help us confront it.

Brene Brown has studied shame and found that there are three things that we need to understand about shame:

1. We all have it.
2. We’re all afraid to talk about it.
3. The less we talk about shame, the more control it has over our lives.

I would also add that the less we talk about shame the more disconnected we become with ourselves, and the real relationships in our lives. We become less connected and more driven to create false relationships by acting out. One of the most important rules in recovery is reach out or act out. It is crucial that we find someone we feel safe with to reach to when we feel the grip of shame after we have made the normal mistakes in life, and especially when we have slipped. It is important to remember that in many ways addicts experience the normal mistakes of life differently because of shame. The good news is that we can develop safe relationships that help us combat shame when we open up and share our experiences about our personal struggles with life and our addiction. Shame occurs between people, and can only be healed between people. Healing comes when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable and talk about our mistakes in an open and transparent way.

Brene Brown found that people can overcome shame by doing four things:

1. They understand shame and recognize what messages and expectations trigger shame for them.
2. They practice critical awareness by reality-checking the messages and expectations that tell us that being imperfect means being inadequate.
3. They reach out and share their stories with people they trust.
4. They speak shame-they use the word shame, they talk about how they’re feeling, and ask for what they need.

The reality is that shame loses power when it is brought out into the light and challenged by telling our story. Shame needs three things to grow: secrecy, silence, and judgment. When something shaming happens to us and we keep it locked up, it festers and grows. Soon it begins to consume us to the point where we are absolutely convinced no real person in our life will understand. It is at this point, when we are disconnected from ourselves and others, that we are most likely to return to the fake relationships that are nothing but empty wells in our lives. Noticing when we feel disconnected is an important step in reaching out. The sooner we reach out and name our shame, the better we will feel in our real relationships.

Here are some useful tips that we can use when someone in our group is reaching out to us because they feel triggered or are feeling shame. First, we can make sure they are safe by asking “are you near any computers or places you have acted out?” It is essential to feel safe before taking the next step. Second, we can ask when did shame convince them that nobody would understand what they were going through? When did they start reaching into themselves shutting out everyone else? Disconnection from others happens much sooner than the desire to sexually act out does. It is important to offer this person a real relationship that they can tell their story to. Third, we can talk about the people that are important in this persons life that need to know about struggles and slips. We can help them remember that disconnection and secrecy hurt their loved ones, and them, much more than any mistake or slip can. Finally, we can affirm them for having the courage to tell us their story, and encourage them to tell their story to their loved ones.

Brown, Brene, 2010, The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to be and Embrace Who You Are